Facing Fears – Nicolas Demers

#GlobalKissInProtest

Last Friday was a first for me: I participated in a kiss-in, in front of the Russian Consulate in downtown Vancouver protesting the homophobic neanderthal shit-show developing in Russia.

Last Friday was a first for me: I participated in a kiss-in, in front of the Russian Consulate in downtown Vancouver protesting the homophobic neanderthal shit-show developing in Russia. I’d considered going even though I didn’t have a kissing buddy (::sadface::), but what really clinched it was a Facebook conversation the day before, with the protest’s organiser. My contribution was—in response to people shocked that a gay person in Russia would support Putin’s new laws and be generally right-wing and paranoid about Western culture—that the rising paranoia and fascism in Eastern Europe wasn’t too surprising to me, given that I’d already seen something of it in Beyond Gay: The Politics of Pride. In hindsight, it felt both (a) overly didactic and (b) kind of negative. Which, fair enough, there’s a lot to be negative about. And also fair enough, it was informative. But I do have this tendency to spout off interesting fact(oid)s at the drop of a hat, and sometimes I need to tone it down. This, I think, was one of those times. And I could and should do more than sit on the sidelines of this particular conflict and be like the Kids in the Hall’s It’s a fact girl.

So I went to the kiss-in. And kissed a few guys, which was fun. There were quite a few news cameras present, which made me very self-conscious. Seriously, I hadn’t felt like that since my very first Pride parade, waaay back in ’93. Man, those were the days, when gays and lesbians were still kind of exotic and mainstream media weren’t even talking about bi or trans folks.

But I stayed. And though I didn’t think I’d end up on camera, seeing as I wasn’t in the front row and didn’t do that much kissing, a couple friends mentioned seeing me on the news the next day. It was a bit of a shock, but only a bit. It really was not a big deal. My fears had made mountains out of molehills.

What did this protest accomplish? Maybe nothing tangible, in the short run. But then protests rarely do. And in this era of global politics and social media, who can say where things will go in the next six months? Whatever happens, I want to be a part of it.

It’s not easy being a girl

Well, that was kind of fun. I don’t think I’m doing it again in a million years, but still. Fun.

So last night my volleyball league had our end-of-year party at Celebrities. Since the party is also our only fundraising event for the year, we wanted to bring in a big crowd. Something we’d never done before. The answer? The board would put on a drag show. After a bit of discussion we settled on George Michael’s “Too Funky” for music; the only female board member would be dressed as George, and the rest of us would walk around and pose like the models in the video. There was a bit more to the choreography, but that’s about it. Nothing too fancy.

Well, that was kind of fun. I don’t think I’m doing it again in a million years, but still. Fun.

So last night my volleyball league had our end-of-year party at Celebrities. Since the party is also our only fundraising event for the year, we wanted to do something we’d never done before, and bring in a big crowd. The answer? The board would put on a drag show. After a bit of discussion we settled on George Michael’s “Too Funky” for music; the only female board member would be dressed as George, and the rest of us would walk around and pose like the models in the video. There was a bit more to the choreography, but that’s about it. Nothing too fancy.

I wasn’t really keen on doing it, since I’d never done drag before, never felt comfortable performing in front of an audience, and frankly was afraid of looking like a hot mess. Of course, I realised I was totally going to look like a hot mess, but I had to just go with it and have fun, and it would all be over in a few minutes.

Self-consciousness aside, my biggest worry was whether I’d even be able to walk in heels. That part wasn’t so bad, though, since the shoes I ended up using (borrowed from a friend, along with my entire outfit) had fairly modest 2-inch heels. As long as I remembered to step with the toes first, I could get from point A to point B pretty efficiently, though not that gracefully.

And I learned something else, too: being a woman takes a lot of work! Hair, makeup, dresses, bras, shaving various bits as necessary, and the aforementioned shoes. But that’s the price you pay for being beautiful, I guess. Not that I really felt that beautiful, once the initial thrill wore off; with all due respect to my makeup artists (no, seriously), my face in makeup just looked weird, like some alternate-universe Joker-ised version of myself. That’s just me, though. The feedback I got from my performance ranged from “Good job, you were great!” to “scary but nice” to “I’m gonna need therapy.” So… on average, I did okay? Meh, I don’t really care. I did it once, kind of enjoyed it, we raised money, and now it’ll make a good story.

We are the champions!

Well, when I say “we,” I don’t include me personally. My team ended up second-to-last place in the seeding, and then were eliminated right away on the second day.

Still, I had a great time at the Queen Vicki tournament this weekend. I hadn’t participated in a NAGVA tournament in ages! In fact, before Spring Bling earlier this year, I don’t think I’d been in any volleyball tournament in five years. Well, gotta make up for lost time.

And in my last entry, I mentioned that was intimidated about reffing. Fortunately, that turned out pretty well in the end. I reffed two matches and was going to ref a third, but the teams requested a more experienced ref. I didn’t take it personally, and in fact was quite relieved. It’s a lot of pressure, especially with the couple of really competitive bitches I had to deal with. I’m pretty familiar with the rules, but I was visibly nervous, and they could smell blood.

That’s okay, though. Confidence will come with experience. And the Head Official gave me a passing grade, which means I’m now certified to up-ref in any NAGVA tournament for the next two years.

That Last Step’s a Doozy

“Do one thing that scares you every day,” the bumper sticker says. In that case, I think I’ve saved up enough terror for the next couple of months. Because this weekend, some friends and I went to Whistler for zip-lining. Sound familiar? Yes. But this was a brand new tour, way more intense, with longer and steeper lines. Plus a really hot guide, though that wasn’t advertised.

The ziplining was hella fun, though my fear of heights really kicked up. I mean, yes, I kind of expected it, being a hundred feet up and all, but I’ve already been through this! Shouldn’t I have become desensitized to gliding through the air, just a little? Hmph. Well, the first line wasn’t bad. I went through it with nary a flutter in my stomach. The second and third, though? Flying over Fitzsimmons Creek? Not so easy.

The fourth was hardest, because I could see exactly how long it was, and how far down to the ground. Hell, the station was above the tops of some of the trees, and the next one was waay down in the valley (about 2000 feet away and 20 storeys down, so the guides said)! So, just like four years ago, I had to force myself forward until gravity took over.

The stations on this trek had four or five steps, down which you walked until your harness picked you up. On the fourth station I inched down those steps, taking advantage of every distraction, using my camera as a shield against the terrifying heights. Hey, that’s some lovely scenery! (it really was, too) *click* Oh, look, lichen! How interesting, I must take a picture this second!

I made it down—and across—eventually, but it was a hell of a chore. The last line wasn’t so hard, though I chickened out of trying to zip upside down.

Well, that’s okay. There’s always next time. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, because after all it’s been four years since I did anything like this. And I wonder if maybe my fear of heights has gotten worse since my little ATV accident. I think I was a little twitchier than normal on my flight back East—not the parts where I took awesome pictures of the Prairies and lakes and whatnot, but the parts where we landed in Toronto and Ottawa amidst bad weather and a little turbulence. And I was very twitchy on the flight to Victoria a couple weeks ago, though that could have just been a healthy survival instinct. It’s hard to be objective about your own phobias, am I right?

But here’s the thing about fears: you have to face them. So what I’m doing now is studying for the NAGVA referee certification exam. Queen Vicki is coming up soon. Though I’m the most experienced ref on my team, I haven’t reffed in a major tournament in ages, and frankly I’m pretty intimidated. But hey, it’ll be an experience. As far as experiences go, maybe as much of a rush as zooming over the treetops above Whistler at a hundred kph.

The rest of the photos are right here!

Flying to Victoria

So this weekend, a few friends and I decided to take a day trip to Victoria. The twist was that we’d fly there. It’d be quick and pretty cheap, and (to me) a new experience. Plus, I hadn’t been to Victoria in a while. The upside: it really was quick, just around half an hour from downtown Vancouver to downtown Victoria, and I got to take some killer photos on the way. The downside: those little planes felt really rickety, and we hit a bit of turbulence over the Gulf Islands. Not a lot—I didn’t get sick, though I made sure an air sickness bag was available—but enough to make me nervous. Did I mention I’m afraid of heights? Because I am.

We spent the afternoon wandering around downtown Victoria, and then we took the ferry back like normal people. Oh, and on the way back I used the Canada Line SkyTrain for the first time (from 49^th Ave Station to downtown).

Carpe Crisitunitatem

I’ve got a dilemma. Well, it’s not really a dilemma, more me working up the nerve to do something.

See, I’ve just joined the executive board of this organisation (which shall remain nameless right now, but I’ve been a member for several years), and I’m thinking of offering my services to redesign their website. The look & feel is kind of flat and dated (IMO), I’ve got issues with some aspects of the structure and navigation scheme, and there are various little details that need work. Now, it’s not a big site, but it does get a fair amount of exposure. So part of me’s asking, Am I being presumptuous here? How much do I really know about Web design? Sure, I read a lot of designers’ blogs, but I’ve got exactly two sites under my belt: this one right here, plus another one for an online RPG I’m no longer a part of, that I redid maybe six years ago. That’s it. Just two. Not a great portfolio. A lot of people will be judging this, and judging me on it. Am I really up for this challenge?

Stupid insecurities. The answer, in case you’re wondering, is: yes. Yes, I feel up to this challenge. I think I’m right to propose it, and I think I’d do a good job. Besides, if I don’t give it a shot, I’ll always be wondering “what if.” So there you go.

(The title, incidentally, is pseudo-Latin for “Seize the crisitunity”—which, as Homer Simpson has taught us, is the Chinese word that means both “crisis” and “opportunity.”)

Terra Firma

Hey, that was interesting.

I took the SkyTrain into Surrey today, which means going over the Fraser River. And I always got kind of twitchy doing that because I’m afraid of heights, and there’s nothing like guard rails on that bridge. It was just too easy to imagine myself (and all the other commuters) falling down, down, down into the water and then sinking down, down, down to the bottom of the river. I’m not really sure how deep it is, but the point is: down. I’ve skytrained into Surrey a couple of times in the last few weeks, though before that I hadn’t done it in a long time. And something was different today: I didn’t get nervous going over the water, not at all. I just gazed down at the river in perfect serenity.

Here’s the secret: I’ve been gradually desensitising myself against acrophobia. My new job is on the 9^th floor of a downtown high-rise building (sometimes taking me as high as the 16^th); at least once a day I stand by the floor-to-ceiling windows, and just… look down. (And sometimes out. We’ve got a nice view of False Creek.) It’s a bit dizzying, and definitely disorienting to look down at other buildings and see the people walking around like ants. But it’s worth it. The little flutter in my stomach isn’t gone yet, though it’s much easier to ignore. And apparently it’s totally gone when I’m less than nine storeys above the ground (or the water). Très cool.

Now that I think about it, I never got the chance to get used to heights until I started this job. There are no high-rises out in the boonies (well, there are a few near downtown Coquitlam, but not where I live); ditto for my old job, in East Van. Ditto for school. What’s the tallest building at Simon Fraser? The AQ, with six floors? I only went there a handful of times, mainly to get cool photos of the North Shore mountains. There was the zip-lining thing, in which I stared down the fear, but it didn’t make it go away. This will, though. I’m learning that patience and perseverance is the key to fears and hangups.

Heh. Maybe I should get into the self-help industry.

Flying High

Last weekend some friends and I went up to Whistler for a bit of zip-lining. Being afraid of heights I was pretty nervous, but it turned out to be one of the most amazing thrills of my whole life. I got to soar high above Fitzsimmons Creek with the wind and fog in my face, surrounded by the beautiful mountain scenery of BC.

There are five stations built high in the treetops, connected by lines going back and forth across the creek. The first one was moderately scary: It wasn’t so high above the ground as the others, being further away from the water, and surrounded by trees. I started the first zip screaming (of course, because hello, height), but that turned into hysterical laughter when I left the trees and flew above the water. Yes, it was scary, but nothing like a rollercoaster. There are no sudden twists and turns, and though there’s a bit of a downward motion, it’s nowhere near free-fall. And the view was magnificent. Once I actually got moving, I found I could do this all day.

When I landed at the second station, I had adrenaline shooting through my body. My hands were shaking, my knees were wobbly, I was close to hyperventilating. But I’d done it, dammit! I could fly!

I hit a bit of a snag when it was time to cast off from that station. This one was right next to the water, much higher off the ground, and way more exposed. Even though my harness was securely fastened to the line and I couldn’t possibly fall, it took all my willpower to walk to the edge where I could just let gravity pull me forward. Because HOLY SHIT I WAS VERY VERY HIGH ABOVE THE RUSHING WATER AND THE NASTY HARD ROCKS OH MY SWEET JESUS CHRIST I’M GOING TO DIE

Interesting factoid: wind drag tended to turn me around so I spent about half of each zip facing backward. I wonder if it’d help to hold out just one arm (on the side that’s moving forward more than it should), to keep me facing the right direction? Now that I think about it, I remember the guides doing just that. I’ll have to try it next time. Because oh yes, I’m doing it again someday. Meantime, here are some more pictures.

Though I wonder how this patch of (relatively) untouched wilderness will be affected by the 2010 Olympics. Construction for the games was taking place practically right next door to the ziptrek. It’d be a shame if this area got polluted or damaged by idiot tourists.

That night we watched Team America: World Police. The censored version, which was all the video store had. Just as well: I’ve already been traumatised by the uncensored kinky puppet sex scene.